Menopause and Me

In the media recently Roman Kemp has said that he has stopped taking antidepressants after 16 years. He first started taking them when he was 15 years old as he was struggling with depression. He feels that he would now like to understand his emotional side and has been off them for the last four months. This got me thinking about my own experience of antidepressants but before that came menopause.

Menopause

I would liken my experience of menopause (the period of time when your periods have stopped) and perimenopause (the period of time leading up to your periods stopping when your hormone levels change) to the gradual build up of dirt in an oven! It happened over a long period of time and crept up on me until all the little things suddenly seemed huge. I didn’t know what was happening to me, like many people I wondered if I had early onset dementia. My short term memory was terrible, I struggled to focus, I lost the joy in life and had no interest in the things that I used to enjoy doing. I longed for the days to end so I could be asleep and therefore not having to experience this intense feeling of boredom and low mood but not wanting to do anything about it. I got easily upset, irritable, anxious, flaky. I was never flaky before, it was a pet hate of mine if other people were unreliable but I became that person! It was far worse than premenstrual tension (PMT) and far more frequent. 

I grew up in a time when no one talked about menopause, there was certainly no evidence that anyone had any symptoms apart from a few hot flushes. We now understand that people were suffering in silence. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had even a mild flush so I didn't think how I was feeling had anything to do with perimenopause. I was still having periods, surely they would have stopped? My understanding was that your periods stop and then you wave a little flag!

A friend of mine suggested I go to the doctors as she recognised my symptoms and off I went. I had a lovely chat with my doctor and she gave me lots of options and I went home to have a think. I was really resistant to taking medication but was interested to see that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) was an option. 

Me enjoying being by the sea

CBT

I was able to self refer for CBT and although it took several weeks I spoke to someone who took my details and advised that I was able to do an online course. There are different options available depending on the needs of the individual. This took several more weeks of waiting and then I had access to the course. I actually enjoyed the course and found it helpful. I didn’t think I was a negative person but I realised that I was brooding over things that had upset me. I was on constant red alert, looking out for negative clues in other people that reinforced my unhelpful beliefs. I was hypervigilant, constantly on edge and stuck in a very negative place. So I did all my homework from the course and started to feel better. When I say feel better, I mean better than I did. Was this the best I could feel? I wasn’t sure and I think you must be very careful not to assume that you have reached the best place you can. I was just so happy not to be feeling so dark and miserable and got on with my life as best I could. 

Some people find that CBT has some negative effects such as having to reflect on things that make their problems feel larger. Therapy is individual and you should find the type that feels right for you. I found it helped me although I can understand their concerns.

HRT

I probably struggled on for another couple of years, up and down, until the same friend suggested I go back to the doctors. This time I decided to take HRT. I was desperate by this point. I didn't care if there were risks, I wanted a better life not a longer one. I might add that the risks that I had knowledge of were outdated and although no medication is without risks, from what I understand the benefits outweigh the risks and research has moved on from the misleading reports of the early 2000s.

Within days I was noticing a difference, I was smiling again but there were many more ups and downs. I was taking a progesterone tablet together with oestrogen gel and the former was to be taken 14 days out of every 28 days. This made me feel dreadful and I was having the most disturbing dreams but two weeks out of every four was surely an improvement? It was at the time but was still not good enough. I persevered as the doctor advised it can take three months to settle down and it did improve. Months passed and then it somehow switched so that I felt dreadful when I wasn’t taking the progesterone. At the next review with my doctor the prescription was changed so that I took progesterone every day and life again got back to some sort of normality. 

Antidepressants

In 2022 there was a shortage of HRT, partly due to there being an increased awareness around perimenopausal symptoms and more people seeking help. I was unable to get my usual oestrogen gel so I was put on another type. The prescription was for a variable amount and not understanding what the equivalent dose was I ended up taking the lower amount due to not being keen on taking medication. Gradually my symptoms got worse and I ended up back at the doctors again. I was given patches which made my skin very sore, then another type of patch which didn’t but I still wasn’t back to my usual self. 

I was then prescribed antidepressants. I really didn’t want to take them but by this time several months had passed and I was desperate again. I felt very odd for a few days and a bit flu-like but after a few weeks I started to feel better. My life became more interesting again and I was enjoying activities and planning things which I hadn’t done for a while. I was actually starting to feel very happy, almost unbelievably so, nothing was phasing me which felt great. The downside to this was that I felt no empathy either. If something terrible happened or a friend told me bad news, I shrugged it off as nothing. One friend likened me to a psychopath! 

This did calm down but I then ended up enjoying things but only while they were happening. The instant they finished it was like a switch went off. Not that I then felt down but it was as if nothing had happened so just numb. I could not retain the happy memories. I didn’t look forward to anything but I went along with things and had a good time but I wasn’t bothered if I didn’t do those things. My feelings were not quite flatlining but very little variation either side. This wasn’t ideal either, I just wanted to feel normal. 

After the suggested minimum of six months and feeling much better than before I started taking them I spoke to my doctor about coming off them. This was done very gradually, under their direction and I noticed a very gradual increase in my emotions over a few months. This I relished until I started behaving erratically again. 

The Way Forward

In the meantime I had been learning a lot about menopause and with my newfound knowledge I went back to the doctors and requested an increase of oestrogen which did the job for a while. I feel as if my body adjusts to the new dose and then needs more. A bit like I become desensitised to the drugs. Finding the right balance does seem to be an ongoing process and I’m really not sure what is the old me any more, I suppose I will never be the old me anyway as we are always growing and changing. What I do know is that it takes time to get the dose right and then more time. As our hormones are constantly fluctuating we can feel good one minute and not the next. 

Solution Focused Hypnotherapy

Training as a hypnotherapist has taught me a lot about how my brain works and what small changes I can make to ensure I help myself to cope with the many symptoms that menopause can bring. Improving my mood and finding the joy in life again has been really important to me, would that help you?

Disclaimer

This is not medical advice, I am just sharing my experience. If you have any concerns then please speak to your doctor.